The 10 agreements towards a conscious relationship
Many people who engage in relationships (including myself in the past) often jump in head first not knowing what rocks lay beneath the shallow water they are diving into. Let it be infatuation or the deepest love we have ever experienced, our heart takes us to places where we want to dwell forever and emotion takes over from rationality.
As many of us have experienced, there comes a time during our relationship where we trigger each other and we find ourselves being confronted with ourselves through the mirror that our partner is. Not Knowing how to deal with these situations will have you or your partner running or ending up in conflicts or fights. Something we all wish to avoid.
And although many of us are yearning for a conscious relationship in which we are open to communicating about each other’s triggers when they surface, we often don’t know how to go about having a relationship like that because we were never taught how to.
So, here is a tool which can aid in setting certain standards that when they are agreed upon by both partners, can help in meaningful processing of emotions and rational idea’s.
When going over these agreements with your partner in the early stages of a relationship, a lot of frustrations and misunderstandings can be avoided.
Feel free to change the word “marriage” to relationship or partnership or to whatever you feel is appropriate in your situation.
The 10 agreements towards a conscious relationship.
1. I see marriage as a path to my own wholeness, freedom, and belonging.
Contrary to what my culture taught me, marriage is not a destination. It is a long, windy, often bumpy path to help me be and become me. I understand that I am working out my childhood wounds in my marriage. I understand my marriage to you is designed to grow myself up.
2. You are my mirror. I am your mirror.
Whatever I discover I don’t like about you, is merely a reflection of some disowned part of me. In this way, I can use my triggers with you as an opportunity to be more whole.
3. I am committed to understanding you, no matter how long it takes me.
If I get stuck, I’ll find new tools to learn. When we get in fights, or you don’t feel understood, I will come back to this statement until I can fully get behind it: “I am committed to understanding you, no matter how long it takes me.” I understand also that I probably will never truly understand what it’s like to live in your skin, but I will understand you in such a way that you feel seen, supported and understood.
4. I agree to tell the truth, regardless of the cost.
Truth telling will only serve to help us both grow and become who we are. I am willing to risk being me (in whatever context) over and over no matter how much I fail or get judged in order to be freely myself. Marriage is an opportunity to be and become me.
5. Win – Win or no deal.
This means I have my back and I have your back, AND, you have your back and you have my back. I am committed to having us both “win” given our wants and needs. In order to do this, I will honor my own needs and desires first, live according to my highest values and purpose in life and learn to speak them clearly and openly. I will do this in a way that helps you get what you want. I will juggle both my needs/wants and yours until we arrive at win – win.
6. I will take really good care of me by challenging and supporting myself, just like an amazing parent.
I will take really good care of me. I will renew, grow, and evolve in an ongoing way. When I get stuck and stop growing because I’m scared, I understand that life will bring me opportunities to grow. When you aren’t there for me, I will be there for myself. I will push myself when I am stuck with you.
7. I will take really good care of you by challenging and supporting you, just like an amazing parent.
I agree to re-parent you, just like an amazing, loving parent would. I get that I’m not your Mom/Dad and can’t replace them, but part of the magic of our relationship is that we get to re-parent each other in healing ways. On a daily or weekly basis, I will ask myself “What am I bringing to the table and offering to you and this marriage?” (This one is based in attachment theory and research on couples).
8. I will practice no blame and instead take full responsibility for my baggage, issues, and challenges that arise in our partnership.
I’m done with blame. I set it down. The only time I will blame is to help me get underneath it in order for me to take responsibility for my experience. My daily practice is to love you as you are. I won’t blame you for how I’m feeling in our marriage.
9. I will learn how to do conflict and repairing.
I will learn to understand conflict as an essential part of a healthy marriage. I will not run away from conflict anymore, and if and when I do, I will seek help from experts and masters to help me face my fears and blocks until I become good at conflict myself. I will fight with you and engage with you. I will also learn how to repair if I’ve hurt you, crossed a line, or broken an agreement.
I am devoted to exploring the fullness of my sexuality with you. I understand there will be full and lean times and I’m okay with both, but will strive to risk and lean in when I’m wanting to avoid. I strive to explore our vast bodies individually (self-pleasure) and together. I’m committed to a never-ending exploration of our sexuality.
These agreements were drawn up by Jayson Gaddis. All rights reserved.
~ Giri Dayakar Jagamohan
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